It’s a well-held belief that parents should not outlive their children. The loss of a child, no matter the circumstances, is undeniably one of life’s most profound challenges.
Losing a child disrupts the natural order and shatters expectations, core beliefs and assumptions. The heartbreak you experience is unlike any other. In addition to grieving the loss of your child, you are also mourning the loss of hopes, dreams and the potential and experiences that will never be realized.
With time and support, you can heal, but the death of your child may profoundly alter your role and sense of self, as well as your responsibilities. Understanding and acknowledging your feelings and reactions to this loss is essential. The grieving process will take time. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and no rule says you must be finished grieving by a certain time. Many parents say that grief after losing a child is a lifelong journey.
The most important thing is that you give yourself the time you need to go through the various stages of grief and acknowledge your feelings as you go along. Based on Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s studies, five stages of grief are generally experienced. Remember that these stages do not occur in any particular order, and there is no time limit on how long you should experience each stage. They include:
Denial. This stage involves shock and disbelief about the loss. You might find it challenging to acknowledge the loss and even try to ignore it or pretend it hasn’t happened. However, this stage can provide some protection from the immediate intensity of the pain.
Bargaining. At this point, you may focus on what you could have done differently to prevent the loss. Sometimes, you might try to make deals with yourself or with something larger, believing your actions could reverse the situation. Feelings of guilt are common in this stage.
Anger. As you come to terms with your lack of control over preventing the loss, you may feel angry. This anger may be directed at friends, family or even your faith system. You may feel abandoned or left alone, and sometimes, you may even try to blame others for not preventing the loss.
Depression. The true weight of the loss hits in this stage, and you may experience crying spells, difficulty eating or sleeping, poor concentration and a lack of energy.
Acceptance. Eventually, you will understand the loss and what it means for you. You will start to move forward, integrating the loss into your life experience.
Coping with the loss
When you lose a child, it might feel easier to shut down or pretend that everything is fine. While this might numb the pain temporarily, it can lead to isolation and might push away people who are important to you, such as your spouse, family and friends.
To work through your grief, it’s essential to do the following:
Recognize that grief is not linear. Although there are stages, grief is a complex emotion that doesn’t follow a simple path. Grief is often compared to waves that ebb and flow, sometimes hitting unexpectedly.
Identify your support system. Grief can be isolating, but you’re not alone. You can lean on family, friends, support groups, faith communities or a mental health professional for support. Reach out to those around you.
Express your feelings. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel, so let yourself express your emotions. If verbalizing your feelings is difficult, consider journaling or drawing to process your emotions. Acknowledging your feelings is key to coping with the loss.
Take care of yourself. It’s easy to forget self-care in times of profound grief. Ensure you’re eating, sleeping and giving yourself breaks from the intensity of grief. Sometimes, a diversion or a mental recharge is necessary. Remember that avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms, like alcohol or drugs, will help you progress in your grieving journey.
Do what works for you. Some parents find comfort in memorial events, while others may find them too difficult, and that’s OK. Creating a memorial or doing something to honor your child, like planting flowers or donating to a favorite charity, can help you find closure. Whatever enables you to cope healthily is acceptable.
Understand that grief can be different for the other parent. Losing a child can put a strain on a marriage, as each parent grieves in their own way. Remember that grief looks different for everyone, even within the same family. One parent may openly express emotions, while the other remains more stoic. It’s also common for parents to feel guilty about how they’re grieving. Stay open in communication and remember there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.
Provide support for surviving siblings. Your surviving children will also grieve, and their emotional journey may look similar or different from yours. Acknowledge their feelings and be patient as they navigate their grief, whether they become withdrawn or act out. Offering physical comfort and finding ways to cope together as a family can help everyone move forward.
Plan for the future. Special days like birthdays, holidays or anniversaries can trigger intense emotions. This is common, so planning how to handle these moments beforehand is helpful. Being prepared can make these days a little easier to manage.
Take one step at a time. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and it’s OK to lean on others and seek support when needed.
