It's a well-held belief that parents are not supposed to outlive their children. Thus, perhaps one of the most challenging things a parent can face is the death of a child. When that loss happens, no matter the circumstances, it becomes a huge burden that can threaten to overwhelm.
Parents are often flooded with a range of emotions and wonder how they will get through. Because losing a child is a disruption in the natural law and shatters expectations, core beliefs and assumptions, it is a heartbreak like no other. In addition to grieving the loss of their child, parents grieve the loss of hopes, dreams and the potential and experiences that will never be realized.
With help and time, parents can recover, but a child’s death may profoundly change parents’ roles and sense of self as responsibilities. Understanding and acknowledging your feelings and reactions to this loss is essential; it will take time to go through this grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and no rule says you must finish grieving after a specific time. In fact, many parents say that the grief of losing a child is a lifelong journey.
The important thing is that you take the time you need to go through the various stages of grief and to be able to acknowledge your feelings along the way. There are five stages of grief that are generally accepted based on the studies of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. We don’t go through the stages in any particular order, and there is no time limit for how long you have to experience each stage. They include:
Denial: This stage involves shock and disbelief about the loss. The person is unable to acknowledge the loss and may try to ignore it or pretend that nothing has happened. However, this stage can help protect the person from the immediate intensity of the loss.
Bargaining: In this stage, a person may focus on ways they could have prevented the loss or what they might have done differently. Sometimes, a person will try to make a deal with someone or something, believing those actions can be undone. Feelings of guilt are common in this stage.
Anger: A person begins to realize the lack of control and power they had in preventing the loss. During this stage, they may lash out at friends, family and their faith system. Sometimes, the person will feel angry about being abandoned or left alone. There may be attempts to blame others for not preventing the loss.
Depression: The impact of the loss is felt in this stage, as well as the significance of the loss. People may have crying spells, difficulty eating or sleeping, poor concentration and lack of energy.
Acceptance: In this stage, people understand what the loss means to them and begin to move forward. They have integrated the loss with their life experiences.
Dealing with the loss
When we lose a child, we either want to shut down or pretend that everything is OK. While this might help to numb the pain, it will only work for a while and might have the unintended consequence of pushing away people who are important to you, like your spouse, family and friends.
To work through the grief, it’s essential to do the following:
Recognize grief is not linear. While there are stages, grief is a complex emotion that does not follow a linear path. Instead, grief is often described as a wave that ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting in unexpected ways or at random times.
Identify your support system. Grief is personal and often isolating. While you may sometimes feel alone, you are not. There are other people in your life that you can use for support. They may be family, friends, support groups, people in your faith community, or mental health professionals. Seek them out.
Express your feelings. Do not be afraid to tell people how you feel. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. If it is difficult to verbalize your emotions, use other methods like journaling or drawing to express yourself. Acknowledging your feelings is vital to helping you better cope with the loss.
Take care of yourself. When we deal with a stressful situation like a loss of a child, it is easy to forget about taking care of ourselves. It is essential that you remember to eat and sleep. It is OK to give yourself a break from the grief. Sometimes, people need a diversion from the stress to allow them the opportunity to recharge mentally. Keeping ourselves healthy makes it easier to deal with the loss. Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs, as they will prevent you from progressing with your grief.
Do what works for you. Some parents become very active with memorial events. Still, others find those to be too difficult, and they find other ways for closure, such as creating a memorial or engaging in an act to honor the lost person, such as planting flowers or donating to a favorite charity in their name. Whatever will help you deal with the loss of your child in a healthy, productive way is acceptable.
Understand grief can be different for the other parent. Losing a child can put a strain on a marriage, as each partner grieves in their own way. Remember that grief looks different for everyone, even within the same family. One parent may openly express emotions, while the other is stoic. One parent may talk about their child often, while the other is quiet. It is also common for parents to experience guilt over how they’re handling their loss. Remember to keep communication open and acknowledge there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to deal with such an emotional tragedy.
Provide support for siblings. Surviving siblings will also have their own emotional journey that may be similar or different from their parents. Acknowledge their feelings, whatever they may be. Be patient and understand that grief manifests differently for children who may become withdrawn or act out. Providing physical comfort with hugs and finding ways to cope as a family can help as you move forward.
Plan for the future. Birthdays, holidays and other special dates will evoke intense feelings and emotions. This is normal and should be expected. Planning how to handle those times can make those special days less difficult.
