Whether the death is expected or unexpected, people cope with the loss of a loved one in different ways. It may seem that a sudden, unexpected loss might lead to more difficult grief. Those who lose loved ones to cancer likely had to journey through illness and treatment, a period that can be filled with many ups and downs.
The shock, fear, anxiety, denial, anger, grief and sadness that often accompany such an experience while the loved one is still alive can continue in different ways after they have died.
Types of grief reactions
Anticipatory grief. This occurs when a death is expected but before it happens. It may be felt by the families of people who are dying and by the person dying. Anticipatory grief helps family members prepare emotionally for the loss. It can be a time to address unfinished business with the dying person, such as saying “I love you” or “I forgive you.” Anticipatory grief does not always occur, and it’s important to remember that grief felt before death will not decrease the grief felt afterward or make it last a shorter time.
Common grief. Beginning soon after a loss, the symptoms of common grief diminish over time. The bereaved person moves toward accepting the loss and is able to continue day-to-day life even though it is hard to do. Reactions include:
Emotional numbness, shock, disbelief or denial
Anxiety over being separated from the loved one
Distress that leads to crying, sighing, having dreams, illusions and hallucinations of the deceased
Looking for places or things that were shared with the deceased
Anger
Loss of sleep and appetite
Extreme tiredness
Guilt
Although many bereaved people have similar responses as they cope with their losses, there is no typical grief response. The grief process is personal and often isolating.
Moving forward
Taking care of yourself and having support during the grief process is important. Practice self-care by:
Being gentle with yourself. Perhaps you feel you could have done something differently because you believe a particular treatment, medication or practice may have been more effective. Focus on what you can control now and recall all the positive and caring things you did for your loved one during their illness. And remember that grief can’t be rushed; it takes as long as it takes. Do not compare your journey with others.
Eat nutritious foods. A balanced diet is vital. Find soups, sandwiches or snacks that are easy to grab and full of protein to keep your energy level up.
Get plenty of rest. You may be tired more than usual or find your sleep pattern compromised. Take naps when possible. Talk to your doctor about effective options to help you get rest, including sleep apps and other practices.
Practice relaxation techniques. Guided imagery, meditation and art therapy can help reduce stress and lower blood pressure.
Stay active. This is especially important in early grief, when motivation is lacking. Experts recommend exercising for at least 30 minutes each day. Consider taking 10-minute walks throughout the day and getting outside as much as possible; studies show being in nature helps with the grief process.
Incorporate gratitude. Cancer does not discriminate, and you may have feelings that everything is unfair. Studies show that practicing gratitude is an integral part of healing that can help a person find some small level of hope or belief that they can survive their grief.
Create a support network. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, co-workers and other people who care about you. Seek professional assistance or join a group with others who have lost loved ones to cancer. Share your thoughts, feelings or experiences.
