Writing a condolence note to an adult is challenging enough, but how can you write one to a child or a teenager? Traditionally, condolence notes are expressions of sympathy toward adults, but a child suffering the loss of a parent or sibling is likely to be in great need of personal attention. An adult who recognizes this can make a lasting impression by writing a personal note to that child.
In the commercial world, sympathy cards for adults are easy to find, but appropriate cards for children or adolescents in mourning are difficult, if not impossible. You may create your own card by writing a personal condolence message appropriate for the child's age.
Before you start
Identify the age of the child you are writing to and create an appropriate message. Be careful not to leave the impression that you are talking down to the child.
Find out about the nature of the relationship the child had with the deceased. Was this a parent, sibling or grandparent? What kind of relationship did they have?
Finally, keep in mind the cause of death and what the child may or may not know, especially if the death was sudden or violent. It may be best not to address the cause of death but rather to write about your relationship with that person, recalling pleasant memories.
When you set pen to paper, you may be tempted to use one or more platitudes that you hear all the time. Here are some to avoid:
"It's part of God's plan." What plan? God planned to have a child's father shot in a bank robbery or a mother die in a car accident? This comment can leave a child angry, confused and disappointed in God.
"God so loved your sister that he has taken her to live with him." This comment can leave a child feeling angry with God. Additionally, they may wonder why they were not good enough or whether God will take them next.
"She's in a better place." While this is meant to be reassuring, this statement can leave a young child confused by unanswerable questions: Where is this place? What's it like there? Why doesn't anybody know anything about it? Can we visit her? Further, some children will want to die so they can go there to join their loved one.
"I know how you feel." No one ever knows exactly how another person feels. If you may have had a similar experience, it might be good to share it with the child. For example, "My dad died when I was about your age." In such a case, you might even explain what helped you with your grief.
"He's at peace now." This is another example of a hollow and perhaps even painful statement that children cannot comprehend.
"You are the man of the house now, and you need to be strong." Statements like this can rob a young boy of his grief, leaving him scared and vulnerable and wondering what he is supposed to do now. Additionally, it casts responsibilities upon him that he is not ready to acquire.
Be careful not to create a "saint" out of the deceased. While it's OK not to speak ill of the dead, you may do more harm than good by excessively and unrealistically praising that person. Doing so can create uncomfortable feelings in a grieving child or adolescent. If the deceased was a sibling, there may have been some rivalry with old unresolved issues or even guilt from past disputes. Or the child could have been at odds with the deceased parent.
Getting started
The following phrases may be helpful when you begin:
"I'm so sorry to hear that your father has died." This simple statement may be all you need to start your message.
"You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers." Writing this will only be helpful if it's true.
"I will miss your mother; she touched my life in so many ways." Being truthful is a good opening for writing about how someone impacted your life as well.
"There are times when I really don't know what to say." Since this is probably quite accurate, it won't hurt saying so, but you must follow it up with something thoughtful. "I'm so sorry for your loss" will work.
Telling stories
Hearing about their loved one's accomplishments and how they touched others is valuable for children and adolescents to hear. Those who are grieving want to hear about their loved ones, especially if it is a parent. They want to see the deceased through the eyes of other adults. That loved one is a part of who they are. Try to think of age-appropriate insight you can share about the relative who died.
Wrapping it up
Endings are as important as the rest of the note. Here are a few suggestions:
"My love and support will always be here for you." Say this only if it is true. Children may take this literally and be upset if they do not see or hear from you again.
"I will keep you in my prayers."
Some additional thoughts for different age groups
First grade and younger: Since these children are early readers, you might want to consider printing your message or, if you are typing it on the computer, using larger type.
Elementary school-age children: Add photos and tell stories. Consider offering to help develop a "memory wall" of pictures and stories.
Middle and high school-age children: Be careful not to talk down to these young adults. Let them know if you are available when they need something.
As difficult as they are to write, condolence notes allow us to convey our love and friendship to others of greatest need. Grieving children need our support and attention, and a personal card designed for the right age level is a gift that will be welcomed and appreciated.
Source: American Hospice Foundation
