Grief is a complex and multifaceted experience. While most people are familiar with primary loss, such as the loss of a loved one, pet, job or relationship, they might not be as familiar with the concept of secondary loss.
Secondary loss refers to the subsequent losses that occur as a result of the primary loss. These losses can be just as impactful and are often integral to the grieving process.
What is secondary loss?
Secondary loss is the ripple effect of the primary loss. It is the loss of everything that was tied to the person, pet, job or relationship. For example, the death of a spouse can lead to secondary losses such as financial instability, loss of social connections and a changed identity.
Well-meaning family and friends who want to see their grieving loved ones happy and "getting on with life" after a primary loss can unwittingly deny or disenfranchise feelings of grief that come with secondary losses. Recognizing these additional losses is crucial because they compound the grieving process and often require extra support and coping skills.
Types of secondary losses
These are just some secondary losses that may occur after a primary loss.
Loss of emotional support. The deceased often provided emotional support, comfort and companionship, which are now missing. This can occur after losing a family member, beloved pet or close friend or colleague.
Loss of identity. Individuals may struggle with their sense of identity, especially if their roles were closely tied to the deceased. For example, a spouse, parent or caregiver may find themselves grasping to understand who they are without the deceased. A sibling who was always known as "Bobby's little brother" may grapple with suddenly being an only child.
Loss of future plans and dreams. Shared goals, expectations, family events or travels are now unachievable. Someone who has lost a home to a natural disaster may grieve the improvement plans they had for the basement or the landscaping they wanted for the backyard. A surviving spouse may mourn the loss of days they hoped to spend in retirement with their beloved. A parent's secondary losses after the death of a young child may be all the hopes of a graduation, marriage or grandchildren.
Loss of the past. After a loved one's death, there is an inability to share memories of the past journey. For surviving spouses who are left alone, there are no "remember when's" they can recall with their beloved. This secondary loss can also impact surviving siblings, even though their parents remain because they are now only children.
Changes in social circles. Death can alter the dynamics of social groups. Friends often fall away after a spouse's death due to a combination of emotional discomfort and misunderstandings about grief. Many people find it challenging to handle intense emotions and may feel uncomfortable around the bereaved. Shared activities and social events that once included the deceased spouse might no longer occur, naturally leading to a drift in relationships. Social awkwardness and cultural discomfort with death further exacerbate the situation, causing friends to distance themselves during a time when their support is most needed.
Strained relationships. The emotional strain of grief can cause tension and conflict in existing relationships with friends and family. Miscommunications and emotional exhaustion can lead to distancing. Many people find it challenging to handle intense emotions and may feel uncomfortable around the bereaved. For example, friends may fall away after a spouse's death due to a combination of emotional discomfort and misunderstandings about grief. Social awkwardness and cultural discomfort with death further exacerbate these situations.
Additionally, shared activities and social events that once included a deceased loved one might no longer occur, naturally leading to a drift in relationships. The loss of a relationship while grieving can be particularly challenging because support from loved ones is necessary for healing.
Financial loss. If the deceased was a primary earner, their death can result in significant financial hardship. Funeral costs, medical bills, and other related expenses can create additional burdens.
Loss of home. Financial difficulties might necessitate selling a home or moving to a more affordable location. According to the Human Rights Campaign, LGBTQ individuals face greater difficulties securing property rights after the death of a spouse. Without proper legal documentation, such as wills or joint tenancy agreements, surviving spouses may encounter disputes from biological family members of the deceased over property and may lose the home they shared. Additionally, a study published in the Journal of Family Studies found that bereaved parents often consider moving as a part of their coping mechanism. Although moving does not necessarily alleviate the pain of grief, it can sometimes provide a different environment that might feel less emotionally intense. However, leaving behind what once belonged to one's family is still a sense of loss.
Change in routines. Humans are creatures of habit. When daily activities and routines that involved the deceased are disrupted, it leads to a loss of structure and normalcy. This may include the walks one took every morning with the now-deceased dog, Sunday meals once shared with grandma or fishing trips with your best friend.
Loss of shared activities. Traditions and activities that were enjoyed together may no longer hold the same meaning or pleasure. A spouse might not eat at their deceased partner’s favorite restaurant, or a parent may decide not to celebrate Halloween because their child loved it. The loss of a co-worker can cause people to avoid the workplace. In fact, The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that the death of a co-worker can lead to increased turnover intentions among surviving employees. The study highlighted that employees might consider leaving their jobs as a way to cope with their grief and to avoid the constant reminders of their deceased colleague.
Loss of health. Physical problems result from emotional stress, pain, trauma, shock and grief. Many survivors experience sleep problems, eating problems, heart issues, headaches, stomach problems, depression, anxiety or all the above.
Loss of faith. Some individuals may struggle with their faith or spiritual beliefs following a death, questioning its meaning or fairness. Additionally, if the deceased was part of a spiritual or religious community, their absence might alter one's relationship with that community.
Loss of trust. People often lose trust after a loved one dies due to the profound sense of vulnerability and betrayal they feel by life's unpredictability. The death of someone close can shatter their belief in a just and predictable world, making them question the reliability of their environment and the people around them. This loss can be exacerbated if they feel that others, such as medical professionals, failed to prevent the death or if family or friends have not provided adequate support.
Tips for coping
To effectively cope with these secondary losses, consider the following strategies:
Acknowledge and grieve each loss. Recognizing each secondary loss is crucial for emotional healing.
Maintain self-care. Prioritize physical health, rest and self-compassion to manage the additional stress.
Rebuild routine. Gradually establish new routines, find new sources of joy and celebrate small victories like making a new friend or doing something you thought you couldn't do without your deceased loved one.
Find community. Lean on friends, family, spiritual advisors and support groups that can offer emotional and practical assistance.
Seek professional support. Counseling or therapy can provide guidance and support during the grieving process. Mental health professionals can help recognize the layers and impact of secondary losses, provide a more comprehensive approach to healing and ultimately find a path forward.
Sources: Journal of Family Studies, Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, National Library of Medicine and Human Rights Campaign
