When a parent's treatment has stopped working, you may wonder how to tell your child. Talking openly and honestly is a crucial way to help ease your child's anxiety. There might not be one perfect time to talk about death, but you can give a child time to absorb the news and ask questions by talking soon after learning the cancer is terminal. Being included in this difficult transition can help your child feel reassured. It can help to know your family will go through this together.
How to begin
Age and past experience have a lot to do with what children understand about cancer. While it may be tempting to use euphemisms like, "Mom will be going away," such vague words confuse kids. It is better to be clear about what will happen and address a child's fears.
Be specific. Tell your child the type of cancer you have. If you just say you are sick, your child might worry that anyone who gets sick will die.
Let your child know you cannot catch cancer from someone else. Your child does not have to worry about getting it from you or giving it to friends.
Explain that it is not your child's fault. While this may be obvious to you, kids tend to believe they cause things to happen through their actions or words.
If your child is too young to understand death, talk in terms of the body not working anymore. You might say, "When Papa dies, he will stop breathing. He will not eat or talk anymore."
Tell your child what will happen next. For instance, "The treatment is not going to cure my cancer, so the doctors are going to make sure I am comfortable."
How your child might react
Your child might ask questions immediately or become quiet and want to talk later. You may need to answer the same questions many times while your child comes to terms with the loss. Kids often want to know things like:
What will happen to me?
Who will take care of me?
Is the other parent going to die too?
Try to reassure your child as much as possible without covering up the truth. Explain that your child will continue to live with the surviving parent after you die.
If your child asks questions you cannot answer, it is OK to say you do not know. If you think you can find the answer, tell your child you will try to find the answer.
As kids get older, they become more aware that death is permanent. Your child might grieve on and off into the teen years as the loss becomes more real. Grief can involve any of these emotions:
Guilt. Adults and kids may feel guilty after someone they love dies. Kids might think death is a punishment for something they did.
Anger. As hard as it is to hear anger expressed toward the dead, this is a common part of grief.
Regression. Kids can slip back to the behavior of a younger child. Children may resume bedwetting or need more attention from the surviving parent. Try to be patient, and remember that this is temporary.
Depression. Sorrow is a necessary part of grief. But if the sorrow becomes so intense your child cannot cope with life, you should seek help from a mental health professional.
How to help your child
You may wish you could take away your child's pain, but having the chance to talk through complicated feelings with you can be the best comfort. Explain that your child's feelings, whatever they are, are OK and that you will listen whenever your child wants to talk.
Keep your child involved in regular routines as much as possible. Say that it is OK to go to school, participate in after-school activities and go out with friends.
Some children act out when faced with bad news. Your child could have trouble in school, pick fights with friends or become clingy. Talk to your child's teacher or guidance counselor and let them know what is going on.
You might talk to the parents of your child's close friends. It may help if your child has friends to talk with.
Keep your child close
You may be tempted to have your child stay with a friend or relative to spare your child from witnessing death. Most experts say it is more upsetting for children to be sent away. Your child will likely do better being close to you at home.
When to get assistance
If your child is unable to return to normal activities six months or longer after a parent dies or they are exhibiting risky behavior, call your health care provider.
Source: National Library of Medicine
