Supporting a co-worker who has lost a child is an incredibly delicate and vital task that often requires a different approach than supporting someone who has lost an adult loved one.
Understanding the impact
The loss of a child is one of the most devastating experiences a person can endure. Research consistently shows that parents who lose a child often experience more intense and prolonged grief compared to those who lose other loved ones, including a parent or spouse. The depth of the bond, combined with the unfulfilled potential and future plans for the child, amplifies the pain. According to experts, this type of grief can lead to complicated bereavement, where feelings of despair and hopelessness persist for an extended period.
Additionally, grief can be triggered as time passes and milestones occur, such as when classmates graduate, or the child's peers get married.
Experts emphasize that the loss of a child can lead to a range of emotional and psychological concerns, such as depression, anxiety, substance use and suicidal ideation. Bereaved parents are also at higher risk for physical conditions such as heart disease.
Understanding this impact can help co-workers be more patient and compassionate, recognizing that the effects of child loss are profound and long-lasting.
How it differs from someone who has lost an adult loved one
While the loss of a spouse, parent or friend is deeply painful, the loss of a child is often described as unnatural, something that disrupts the expected order of life. This type of loss usually comes with a profound sense of guilt, even when there is no reason for it, and a feeling of lost identity, as many parents see themselves primarily in their role as caregivers. Bereaved parents may question their "failing" of caretaking.
Because the grief from losing a child is intense and enduring, it can strain marital relationships. Although not all couples experience this outcome, some studies suggest that this strain may lead to separation or divorce.
Challenges in relationships with surviving children and others in their family may also arise. Every person grieves individually, and the impact of the loss disrupts family dynamics and coping mechanisms.
Bereaved parents often face social isolation as they withdraw from previous social networks that may have once supported them and their child. The unique nature of their grief can make it difficult to relate to others who have not experienced such a loss, leading to a sense of separation from the broader community. Thus, during a time when parents need support most, they become distanced from it.
Supporting a co-worker
Grief in the workplace is a difficult topic. It can be especially challenging when a co-worker loses a child.
One of the most important aspects in providing support is to acknowledge the loss. Bereaved parents want their child remembered. Don't be afraid of saying the child's name and don't avoid the subject, even if you are unsure about what to say. When people fear saying the wrong thing, they often say nothing. Lisa Kefauver, MSW and host of "Grief is a Sneaky Bitch" podcast suggests to those who are uncertain about what to say or do, "Shut up, show up and keep showing up."
A simple acknowledgment such as "I'm so sorry for your loss" can be incredibly meaningful. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place." These phrases come across as dismissive of the pain.
Give them your undivided attention and use compassionate statements. Practice active listening with eye contact. When appropriate, show physical comfort with a hug, hand hold or placing your hand on their back.
Other ways to help include:
Offer practical assistance. Grieving parents may struggle with everyday tasks. Offer specific assistance, such as organizing meals, helping with workload or running errands. Sometimes, the smallest tasks can feel overwhelming to a bereaved parent and concrete offers of help can be a great relief.
Provide ongoing support. Unlike the loss of an adult loved one, where people might expect the bereaved to return to routines after a few months, the grief of losing a child can persist for years. Be patient and continue to offer support long after the initial loss. A simple check-in to let the parent know you are thinking about them can mean everything on a particularly dark day.
Offer insight. Providing information about local resources such as support groups, grief groups or other organizations can be helpful to those who never thought they would find themselves in situations that required such assistance. While you want to acknowledge the parent's pain, share your grief story if you have lost a child or have someone in your network who may have faced a similar loss. Grief is very isolating and having points of connection can be helpful.
Respect space and boundaries. Recognize that everyone grieves differently. Some bereaved parents may want to talk about their child, while others may prefer privacy. Let them guide the interaction and allow them to express what they need.
Encourage professional help. While the support of a co-worker is valuable, grieving parents may benefit from professional counseling. Gently encourage them to seek help if they are struggling to cope. Many workplaces offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) that can provide counseling services. Managers may even take steps to encourage the use of EAP services.
Sources: National Institutes of Health
