To fully understand what children go through when a parent is assigned to a war zone, we must look at grief's nature. Grief is experienced when a significant loss occurs or a loved one dies. Because childhood is so fleeting, important phases of a child's life may have to pass without the companionship of a father or mother on active duty. The loss the child feels — the absence of nurturing, guidance and role modeling — is a form of grief that requires attention from the parent at home or another family member.
To the unique type of grief of the military child, we can add two more burdens:
Constant anxiety about what might be happening to the parent
Fear of the unknown
It may be difficult to reassure a child about the welfare of a parent on assignment or in the war zone, but some things can be done to answer common fears.
The parent at home might consider having a conversation with your children. Talk with them about your plans if your spouse is transferred, is hurt or dies. Would it mean moving away somewhere? Would you have to get a job or change jobs? Would there be changes in school plans? Children do not like uncertainty, so talking about such details could help them put some of their fears to rest.
When a parent leaves on a mission, the remaining family members often struggle to regroup and set up new routines, and roles change. As a home-based parent, try to be sensitive to your children's difficulties when daily routines and schedules change.
Dinnertime can be a good time to gather everyone around the table and have this comforting ritual. You can use this gathering of family members to ask questions, share thoughts and feelings and learn about everyone's fears and concerns.
If you find that one or more of your children is experiencing persistent anxieties, you might look into the availability of support groups. This type of group is a safe place where children can share anything and feel connected to other children with the same concerns. It is always comforting to learn that others worry about the same things you worry about. Your spouse's military organization may have such groups, or you may find help at your children's school, church or local mental health center.
It's also a good idea to keep consistent contact with your children's school to see how they are doing. School counselors, teachers and nurses may discern behavior changes that you need to know about.
The following tips may be helpful:
Stay physically close to your children. Hugs and cuddles are in order.
Be available if your child panics and needs reassurance that you are OK.
Limit your children's exposure to grim news and pictures on television.
Keep communication open and be a good listener.
Talk about feelings and provide outlets for expression: drawing, writing and talking.
Share your feelings and give your children some ideas about how they can help you.
While there is plenty to worry about, keep your fears for other adults.
Ask your children if they hear words they don't understand and explain them.
When your children ask difficult questions, saying you don't know the answer is OK.
If a child asks a difficult question, simply say: "That is a really good question. Let me think about it for a while." Be sure to get back to them later when you have had a chance to think it through. Asking the child what they think is the answer may lead to a good discussion.
Watch for physical symptoms or unusual behavior, such as angry outbursts or withdrawl.
Maintain daily routines as much as possible.
Source: American Hospice Foundation
