The loss of a child is a devastating and incomprehensible event that alters the fabric of a family forever. Amidst the overwhelming grief, parents must find ways to support their surviving children, who are also grappling with their own profound sense of loss. Navigating this delicate journey requires compassion, understanding and resilience. Here are some insights to help parents support their surviving children during this difficult time.
Acknowledge their grief
It's crucial to recognize and validate a child's grief. Let them know it's OK to feel sad, angry, numb or confused. Encourage open conversations about their emotions and the deceased sibling. This acknowledgment helps them feel seen and heard, reinforcing that their feelings matter.
When a sibling dies, children often feel overlooked because the intense grief and attention naturally focus on the lost child and the parents' overwhelming sorrow. In the midst of their own profound loss, parents might struggle to balance their grief with the needs of their surviving children, unintentionally creating an environment where these children feel their emotions are secondary.
The surviving children might also perceive a shift in family dynamics, where the deceased sibling becomes the central figure in memories and conversations, leaving them feeling invisible and less important. This sense of being overshadowed by the magnitude of the loss can lead to feelings of isolation, confusion and abandonment, making it crucial for parents and caregivers to consciously acknowledge and address the grief and emotional needs of the surviving children.
Maintain open communication
Create a safe space for your children to express their thoughts and emotions. It may take them days or weeks to open up. Be honest with them about what has happened, using age-appropriate language. Avoid euphemisms that might confuse younger children, such as, "They've gone to a better place." Instead, be clear and gentle in explaining death, helping them understand the finality while addressing any fears or misconceptions they might have.
Model healthy grieving
Children look to their parents as role models, especially in times of crisis. Show them that it's OK to grieve and that it's a complicated and time-consuming process. Share your feelings and coping strategies with them. This openness can demystify grief and demonstrate that it's a natural response to loss.
Maintain routine
Even if you cannot take a child to school, soccer or other events, see if you can get another family member or friend to help. Amid the chaos of grief, maintaining a sense of routine can provide comforting stability for children. Kids are creatures of habit. Routines can help anchor children, making them feel safe and supported during an incredibly uncertain time.
Keep up with regular activities and rituals as much as possible. Structure and predictability can help children feel secure when everything else seems uncertain. Consistent routines help mitigate feelings of anxiety and stress, as they provide a framework within which children can gradually process their grief.
Provide reassurance and physical affection
Reassure your surviving children of their importance and your love for them. They might harbor fears of losing another family member. Physical affection such as hugs, holding hands and cuddling can be incredibly soothing and reassuring during these times. It's especially helpful if you are unsure about what to say. Just sitting and holding each other is beneficial for both parent and child.
Expect the unexpected
Children often express grief in ways that may not immediately appear connected to their loss. One child may become incredibly clingy, while another wants time alone. One child may cry every day, while another will not exhibit any emotion.
If the death was sudden or traumatic, children might be in a state of shock, which can delay their ability to process and discuss their feelings. Trauma can also cause them to shut down emotionally as a protective mechanism.
A child's grief may manifest in different ways. Watch for unusual behaviors, including:
Bed-wetting
Thumb-sucking
Emotional distancing
Decline in school performance
Overachievement
Complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments
Insomnia
Excessive sleeping
Emotional outbursts
Anger and irritability
Continual misbehavior
Changes in eating habits
Heightened fears
Risk-taking behaviors
Defiance
Hyperactivity
Nightmares
Honor the deceased sibling
Incorporate rituals that honor and remember the deceased child. This can be as simple as lighting a candle on special occasions, creating a memory box or celebrating their birthday in a meaningful way. These acts of remembrance can help your surviving children keep their sibling's memory alive in a positive and comforting manner.
Seek professional support
Grief can be complex and multifaceted, and sometimes professional support is necessary. Therapists or counselors who specialize in grief can provide valuable tools and strategies to help your children process their emotions. Support groups can also offer a sense of community and understanding for both parents and children. Explore the option of a summer camp that specializes in children grieving the death of a significant person in their lives.
Encourage creative outlets
Children might find it easier to express their emotions through creative activities rather than direct conversation. Encourage them to draw, write, or engage in other artistic endeavors. This practice is especially helpful for younger children who may not have the correct vocabulary to express their feelings. Caregivers may discuss the most effective practices with the child's doctor or therapist. Consider:
Create memory collages
Scrapbooking
Painting
Journaling
Writing letters to their lost sibling
Music therapy
Puppet shows
Planting a tree or a garden in memory of their sibling
Video diaries
Be patient and flexible
Grief is not linear, and each child will cope in their own way and at their own pace. Be patient and flexible with their emotional needs. Understand that there will be good days and bad days, and that's a natural part of the grieving process.
Depending on their developmental stage how a child understands and processes grief may take some time. Grief involves complex emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Children might have trouble identifying and understanding these feelings, making it harder for them to communicate what they are experiencing.
Children may choose not to discuss their feelings to avoid causing additional distress to their parents or other family members. They also may feel societal pressure to "be strong" or "move on," leading them to suppress their grief.
Give yourself grace
Remember that in the best of circumstances, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. The grief journey can be a trying time for all family members. Taking care of your own emotional and physical wellbeing is crucial. Seek support from friends, family or support groups. By caring for yourself, you are better equipped to support your surviving children through their grief.
Get assistance
Remember that you don't have to take this journey alone. Lean on your community and other family members and seek professional help. You can help your family heal and find hope through the heartache.
