When your spouse dies, your world changes. You are in mourning—feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. You may feel numb, shocked and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. At some point, you may even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. All of these feelings are normal. There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn.
When you grieve, you can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have:
Trouble sleeping
Little interest in food
Problems with concentration
A hard time making decisions
In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, you may need to put your life back together. Taking this step can be hard work. Some people feel better sooner than they expect, while others may take longer. Family, friends and faith may be sources of support. Grief counseling or grief therapy is also helpful to some people.
As time passes, you will still miss your spouse. But for most people, the intense pain will lessen. There will be good and bad days. You will know you are feeling better when there are more good days than bad. Don't feel guilty if you laugh at a joke or enjoy a visit with a friend.
For some people, mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy. This can be a sign of serious depression and anxiety. Tell your doctor if sadness keeps you from carrying on with your daily life. Support may be available until you can manage the grief on your own.
What can you do?
Initially, you may find that taking care of details and keeping busy helps. For a while, family and friends may be around to assist you. As you face this profound change in your life. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Take care of yourself. Grief can be hard on your health. Exercise regularly, eat healthy food and get enough sleep. Drinking too much alcohol or smoking can put your health at risk.
Try to eat right. Some widowed people lose interest in cooking and eating. It may help to have lunch with friends. Sometimes, eating at home alone feels too quiet. Turning on the radio or TV during meals can help. For information on nutrition and cooking for one, look for helpful books at your local library or bookstore or online.
Talk with caring friends. Let family and friends know when you want to talk about your spouse. They may be grieving, too, and may welcome the chance to share memories. Accept their offers of help and company when possible. Community is important during the grieving process.
Join a grief support group. Grief is personal and isolating, leaving surviving spouses to feel alone. Sometimes, it helps to talk with other people who are grieving. Check with hospitals, religious communities and local agencies to learn about support groups. Even if your spouse didn't require hospice, many hospice locations offer support groups. Choose a group where you feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns. Members often have helpful ideas or know of valuable resources based on their own experiences. Online support groups make it possible to get help without leaving home.
Visit with members of your religious community. Many people who are grieving find comfort in their faith. Praying, talking with others of your faith, reading religious or spiritual texts or listening to uplifting music also may bring comfort.
Try not to make any major changes right away. It's a good idea to wait before making big decisions, like moving or changing jobs.
See your doctor. Keep up with your usual visits to your healthcare provider. If it has been a while, schedule a physical and update your doctor on any pre-existing medical conditions. Talk about any new health issues that may be of concern, including difficulty sleeping, eating or physical pain. Be sure to let your healthcare provider know if you are having trouble taking care of your everyday activities.
Don't be afraid to seek professional help. Sometimes, short-term talk therapy with a counselor can help.
Remember that your family is grieving, too. It will take time for the whole family to adjust to life without your spouse. You may find that your relationship with your children and their relationships with each other have changed. Open, honest communication is essential during this transition.
Mourning takes time. It's common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while. Anything you feel is appropriate. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. While one person may take a short amount of time to feel better, others need months or years. Your journey is your journey.
Does everyone feel the same way?
Men and women share many of the same feelings when a spouse dies. Both may deal with the pain of loss and worry about the future. However, there also can be differences.
Because many married couples divide up their household tasks — one person may pay bills and handle car repairs an the other cooks meals and mows the lawn — after their death, the surviving spouse is left with all the chores. Learning to manage new tasks takes time, but it can be done.
Facing the future without a husband or wife can be scary. Many men and women have never lived alone. Those who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed. Talk with your doctor about how you are feeling and if your sadness seems to last longer than a year.
Take charge of your life
After years of being part of a couple, it can be upsetting to be alone. It's helpful to have things to do every day and find your purpose as an individual. Whether you are still working or are retired, write down your weekly plans. You might:
Take a walk with a friend
Visit the library
Volunteer
Try an exercise class
Join a singing group
Take a class or go back to school
Offer to watch your grandchildren
Consider adopting a pet
Take a class at a nearby senior center, college or recreation center
Stay in touch with family and friends, either in person or online
Addressing legal and financial concerns
When you feel stronger, review your documents and get your legal and financial affairs in order. For example, you might need to:
Write a new will and advance directive
Look into a durable power of attorney for legal matters and health care, in case you are unable to make your own medical decisions in the future
Put joint property (such as a house or car) in your name
Check on changes you might need to make to your health insurance as well as your life, car and homeowner's insurance
Make a list of bills you will need to pay in the next few months, being sure to stay on top of your rent or mortgage and taxes
When you are ready, go through your spouse's personal items. It may be difficult to give away these belongings. Instead of parting with everything at once, you might categorize them in three ways: one to keep, one to give away and one "not sure." Ask your children, other relatives or friends to help. Consider setting aside items like a special piece of clothing, watch, favorite book or photo to give to a loved one as personal reminder of your spouse.
Being social
Having a social life on your own can be challenging. It may be hard to think about going to parties or other social events on your own. Often, widows or widowers who go out have difficulty returning home alone.
Many people miss the feeling of closeness that marriage brings. You may be anxious about dating. After a time, some people are ready to have a social life again and explore the idea of being with someone new.
Here are some things to remember:
Go at a comfortable pace. There's no rush.
Try group activities. Invite friends to a potluck dinner, attend a concert or visit a senior center.
With married friends, consider informal outings like walks, picnics, or movies rather than couple events that remind you of the past.
Find an activity you like or volunteer. You may have fun and meet people who want to do the same thing.
You can develop meaningful relationships with friends and family members of all ages.
Many people find that pets provide essential companionship.
Source: National Institute on Aging: www.nia.nih.gov
