Thinking straight or knowing what to do can be difficult when a loved one dies. This is especially true if the death is sudden or unexpected and you are unprepared. It may feel like no one can help you. Use these tips to get through the first few days.
First steps
If the death occurs at home, call local authorities when you and your family are ready to do so, in accordance with local laws. Police, firefighters and a coroner may arrive on the scene. If the first responders do not or will not contact a funeral home, ask a friend or family member to do this for you.
If your loved one did not die at home, go wherever their body is being held as soon as you are notified. The location could be a hospital or morgue. If you are next of kin, be prepared to identify the body.
Depending on the cause of death, the police will probably open an investigation. Sudden deaths sometimes require an autopsy, a medical procedure conducted by a specially trained physician to learn more about what caused the death. An autopsy is not generally necessary when:
There are no signs of foul play
Death is known to be the result of known medical conditions, diseases or natural causes such as advanced age
Be prepared to provide information and an adequate medical history. If your religion or culture objects to autopsies, talk to local authorities about your options.
Next steps
Unless someone else is with you, it is a good idea to first contact a close family member or trusted friend to help you. No matter how prepared someone may be, death is a shocking occurrence. Having someone else to assist you will be critical in the hours and days afterward.
Secure the deceased’s wallet, phone and keys. You may want to put them in a bag and dedicate one trusted person to be responsible for them.
Creating a notebook dedicated to the tasks you must do is extremely helpful. Take notes about the people you contact, instructions they provide and important phone numbers or other information. While this information is vital, it can often be forgotten as you deal with your grief.
Assemble a binder with folders. Within it, organize the following so they can be quickly and easily accessible:
Insurance policies
Medical information
Funeral prearrangements
Tax returns from the last two years
Military discharge papers (if applicable); to receive a duplicate copy of a military discharge, contact the National Personnel Records Center
Marriage certificate
Children’s birth or adoption certificates
Other legal documents
Identification cards
One or two photos that show the deceased’s full face without sunglasses
Use this checklist to help you through the process:
Notify close family members and friends.
Make arrangements to care for children, pets and property, especially if you must leave your home for any length of time.
Make appointments to arrange the funeral, burial, cremation and memorial service. Consult any documents you have regarding your loved one’s last requests or prearrangements.
Ask a trusted contact to write an obituary if you are unable to do it yourself. Funeral directors can also help with this task. You may also want to include a photo.
Contact your loved one’s employer(s). Reach out to their direct supervisor and ask if they can contact the personnel department. If not, ask them to provide contact information. Also, ask about the process of collecting any salary, vacation or sick pay owed. Ask how you may retrieve their personal belongings from their workplace.
Contact your own employer and arrange for bereavement leave (if applicable).
Contact your children’s school (if applicable). If the child is in school when the death occurs, make arrangements with the school personnel so they will handle relaying the information in accordance with your wishes. For example, you can tell the principal what has happened and explain that you will arrive at the school to pick up your child. You may ask them not to say anything to your child before you speak to them. Or you may ask the administrators to sit with you as you talk to your child. It is beneficial if the school has a dedicated counselor who can help you break the news.
During these first days, it is essential not to throw away any medications. Have a trusted friend or family member help track whoever comes to your home. Do not give away items or make any promise to give anything to anyone during this time, regardless of your relationship.
If a vehicle was only in the deceased’s name, do not drive it. When the insurance policy owner dies, the insurance may not cover anyone else or any accidents that occur after their death.
Practice self-care and check in on yourself often
Processing such tragic and unexpected news can leave anyone feeling numb, confused and lost. Even though you have several practical tasks to accomplish, you will be in shock. Give yourself a chance to try to make sense of what has happened. Be kind to yourself.
Ask for help when you need it and demand space when you need that instead. Your mental and emotional health should remain a priority during this time. Grief can be very isolating. You are not alone. Your EAP is available to assist you and can provide additional resources to handle practical tasks.
