Stillbirth is more common than people may realize and remains a sad reality for many families. A stillbirth is the loss of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Stillbirth is different from miscarriage. In the United States, a miscarriage is usually defined as the loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy.
Stillbirth is further classified as early, late or term:
Early is the loss of a baby between 20 and 27 weeks of pregnancy.
Late is the loss of a baby between 28 and 36 weeks of pregnancy.
Term is the loss of a baby at 37 or more weeks of pregnancy.
Stillbirth occurs in families of all races, ethnicities and income levels, and to women of all ages. Parents are often shocked when it happens because research shows half of all stillbirths occur in pregnancies that had seemed problem-free.
Dealing with loss
There’s no right way to feel or grieve after the death of a baby. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. Like grief of any other loss, healing cannot be rushed. It is common to have a variety of emotions that often ebb and flow like a wave.
Sadness may especially arise at specific times, such as the anniversary of learning about the pregnancy, the anniversary of your baby’s death and the due date or birth date. It may also happen when you or your partner becomes pregnant again.
Take steps to work through the grief:
Acknowledge your baby’s death. Many parents choose to do something formal such as having a memorial service, creating a memorial, donating to a charity or creating a keepsake.
Identify your support system. Grief is personal and often isolating. While you may sometimes feel alone, you are not. There are other people in your life that you can use for support. They may be family, friends, support groups, people in your faith community or mental health professionals. Seek them out.
Take care of yourself. When we deal with a stressful situation like losing a child, it is easy to forget about taking care of ourselves. It is essential that you remember to eat and sleep. It is OK to give yourself a break from grief. Sometimes, people need a diversion from stress to allow them the opportunity to recharge mentally. Keeping ourselves healthy makes it easier to deal with the loss. Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs, as they will prevent you from progressing with your grief.
Understand grief can be different for the other parent. Losing a child can put a strain on a relationship, as each partner grieves in their own way. Remember that grief looks different for everyone, even within the same family. One parent may openly express emotions, while the other is stoic. One parent may talk about the loss, while the other is quiet. Remember to keep communication open and acknowledge there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to deal with such an emotional tragedy.
Provide support for siblings. Siblings who were aware of the pregnancy will also have their own emotional journey that may be similar or different from their parents. Acknowledge their feelings, whatever they may be. Be patient and understand that grief manifests differently for children who may become withdrawn or act out. Providing physical comfort with hugs and finding ways to cope as a family can help as you move forward.
Another pregnancy. Some parents may feel pressure from loved ones who want to help relieve your grief. They may suggest trying to have another baby so you can move forward. Talk to your doctor to ensure you are physically ready and have a conversation with your partner to ensure you are both emotionally ready. It's natural to grieve the loss and OK to feel excited about the possibility of another pregnancy. But do it all in the time you feel is right for you.
