Grief is difficult for everyone, but LGBTQ+ people face a unique set of challenges, including inadequate care and prejudice. These experiences can make LGBTQ+ people feel marginalized, disenfranchised and excluded from the grief process or lead to greater isolation. Every grieving person wants to know their loss matters. Healing is easier when people feel safe, seen and heard.
Common challenges
Prejudice, lack of education and systemic inequalities often lead to additional hardship for LGBTQ+ people after a loss.
Disenfranchised loss or grief. Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is unacknowledged by others. LGBTQ+ grief is invalidated because people don’t want to openly acknowledge LGBTQ+ relationships or the importance of the loss. This can make someone feel lonely and unsupported with their grief.
Isolation from your family of origin. Unsupportive family members may not recognize the loss of a partner or spouse. Isolation and loneliness can be compounded with grief when the bereaved feels unsafe or rejected by biological family members or the deceased’s relatives.
Exclusion of “chosen” families. Many LGBTQ+ people have “chosen” families or close groups of loved ones whom they rely on when their biological family is unsupportive. Hospitals, hospice workers, funeral homes and biological families can exclude “chosen” family members from mourning with the bereaved and attending memorial events.
Misremembered relationships and identities. A romantic relationship or marriage may be reduced to a friendship, which can be frustrating and hurtful. Additionally, a deceased transgender person might be misgendered by family, friends or acquaintances. They may even be deadnamed or called the name they were given at birth but did not use upon transitioning.
Coming “out” when grieving. A loved one may not grieve openly or take time off from work to avoid being discriminated against for being LGBTQ+. There’s also the worry of being “outed” without consent by co-workers or family members after they learn about the loss.
Religious discrimination. LGBTQ+ people may find it difficult to find an inclusive place of worship for support while grieving. Religious memorial services may exclude or not acknowledge LGBTQ+ people.
Inadequate professional assistance. Some banks, law firms and hospitals are ill-equipped or unequipped to help LGBTQ+ people. Institutions may question the validity of marriages, gender identities and more. For example, when trying to visit a dying loved one in the hospital or gaining access to the morgue, LGBTQ+ people may be excluded because they are not considered family.
Legal and financial difficulties. In addition to professionals failing to consider LGBTQ+ relationships and identities, other legal and financial problems are common. If someone has a strained relationship with their deceased loved one's family, the will could be contested. Furthermore, data examined by the Brookings Institute indicates same-sex female households make less than other households, meaning a lesbian may suffer more financially after the loss of her partner.
Grief throughout the community
LGBTQ+ people often lack access to resources, are isolated by family and are victims of assault. These and other issues affect wellbeing and create increased loss and grief within the community.
Violence. According to a study by the Williams Institute of UCLA, LGBTQ+ people in the United States are nine times more likely than non-LGBTQ+ to be victims of violent hate crimes. The Human Rights Campaign recorded 38 instances of fatal violence against transgender people in 2022, many of whom were women of color.
HIV epidemic. Throughout the HIV epidemic, many LGBTQ+ people lost multiple loved ones to AIDS, while also worrying about contracting HIV themselves. The grief suffered by the LGBTQ+ community due to HIV is often forgotten.
Healthcare and physical health. Discrimination, unemployment and lack of access to insurance and health care means LGBTQ+ can be susceptible to health problems. For example, the American Cancer Society reveals that LGBTQ+ people are at a higher risk of getting and dying of cancer. Potential disparities in cervical, breast, lung and other types of cancer are largely due to discrimination and other factors.
Suicide. Research reveals there is an elevated risk of suicide in the LGBTQ+ community. The Trevor Project’s National survey on LGBTQ youth mental health found that 45% of LGBTQ+ youth considered suicide in 2022, including over half of transgender youth. According to the National LBGT Health Education Center, LGBTQ+ adults over 65 account for nearly 17% of fatal suicides despite making up about 15% of the total U.S. population.
Supporting a friend or colleague
All grieving people need support, and there are ways for you to consider the unique challenges an LGBTQ+ person may struggle with after a loss. Below are tips for supporting an LGBTQ+ loved one or colleague.
Listen and offer your help. One way to offer support is through listening. Simply asking “How are you doing? “or “How can I help?” can be useful. Be aware of the additional challenges some LGBTQ+ people face while grieving. Avoid giving advice.
Validate the loss. LGBTQ+ people may feel especially alone while grieving because society often disregards the extent of the loss. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship and the pain a person is feeling.
Avoid assumptions. Don’t assume the relationship between someone and the person they lost. If you’re unsure, you can ask “How would you and ___ describe your relationship?” Do not assume the gender of a deceased person. You can ask “How would ___ describe their gender?”
Use inclusive language. Use the correct pronouns. When addressing someone’s partner, use the words they prefer, such as “husband” or “wife.” Use “spouse” or "partner” if you do not know their gender.
Watch for suicidal thoughts. In addition to the heightened risk of suicide for LGBTQ+ people, studies show that bereaved people are more at risk compared to nonbereaved people. Recognize the signs associated with suicidal ideation, such as talking about ending one's life or extreme mood swings. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, get professional help and call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988 or (1-800-273-8255).
Coping with your own grief
Losing a loved one is painful, but using strategies to cope and reaching out to others can help. Read on for tips on finding support as an LGBTQ+ person.
Reach out. LGBTQ+ grief can be isolating, but you are not alone. Reaching out to someone who can offer support, like a friend or mental-health professional, is important for your wellbeing. Online and in-person LGBTQ+ grief support groups are available. These communities can help you feel less alone in your experience and offer a space where you will be heard by others.
Express your emotions. You may feel pressure to hide your grief for your own safety or to avoid making others uncomfortable. Your emotions are valid and need to be acknowledged. Talking with a trusted person, writing or creating art can give you an outlet to express your feelings.
Grieve your way. There is no “right” way to act after a loss, as long as you are grieving in a healthy manner. In fact, you may be barred from traditional grieving practices, such as attending a funeral. Finding alternative ways to grieve can help. This can be visiting a place your loved one enjoyed or donating to a cause they supported.
Practice self-care. Grieving might make it harder to take care of yourself. Be kind to your body and mind. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating and taking breaks. Give yourself grace if you are not as productive as you were before your loss. Other forms of self-care are engaging in hobbies, meditating, exercising or entertaining yourself with a book or television show.
Remember your loved one. While other people may misrepresent the person you lost, you have the power to authentically present who they were in your own spaces. Save photographs, create art based on your memories of them, tell stories about your time together or create a memorial in your home.
