Siblings are often our longest relationships—people who have known us since childhood, shared our upbringing and formed a significant part of our personal history. Their loss can feel like losing a piece of your past and identity.
Losing a sibling in adulthood can be a painful and often overlooked form of grief. While much attention is given to the loss of parents, spouses or children, the death of a sibling can be uniquely challenging.
Why it feels different
During an interview with NPR, author Annie Sklaver Orenstein explained why she wrote her book, "Always A Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief" after her brother died. "I went to a bookstore in Manhattan, a huge bookstore - five-story bookstore. And I went to the grief section looking for something that might help. And there were books on losing a parent, a child, a friend, a pet. And there was nothing on siblings."
She notes that experience made her minimize her own grief. Many siblings also feel the same. While society tends to offer immediate and long-term support for other types of loss, friends, co-workers or even extended family may not recognize the depth of a sibling's pain, making it harder for them to feel validated.
Siblings often share memories and experiences that no one else fully understands. They witness childhood events with all the struggles and triumphs, often becoming like close friends and trusted confidants. Younger siblings may learn from older ones, and older ones may have played a protective role over a younger sibling.
Losing them can feel like losing a piece of your own story.
They also often serve as emotional anchors within a family. Their absence can lead to restructuring family roles, sometimes making surviving siblings feel more responsible for aging parents or disconnected from remaining family members.
Coping
Unlike parent-child relationships, sibling bonds can be complex. They are full of deep love but also rivalries, disagreements and unfinished conversations.
When a sibling dies, in addition to their grief, surviving siblings may struggle with guilt over unresolved conflicts or regret over missed opportunities to reconnect. Taking these steps can help with coping:
Acknowledge your grief. Give yourself permission to mourn. The loss of your sibling is significant. Any feeling of sadness, anger, guilt or even relief is typical. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve.
Give yourself grace. Healing through grief is not a linear process. Many experts describe it as "waves." You may be fine one moment and upset the next. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel when you feel it, and do not judge it.
Practice self-care. Grief can impact your emotional and physical wellbeing. Make sure to eat well, get enough quality sleep and exercise. Find an outlet for your emotions, such as music or art. Studies show that writing with pen and paper and journaling your thoughts helps healing.
Find ways to honor their memory. Keeping your sibling's memory alive can bring comfort. Consider some of these practices:
Share stories about them with friends and family
Create a tribute, such as a photo album, a journal or a donation in their name
Continue the traditions you shared, whether it was an annual trip, a favorite recipe or a special inside joke
Seek support
Losing a sibling can sometimes make people withdraw from the family, especially if the loss creates tension or changes dynamics. Even if relationships shift, try to stay connected with those who understand your shared history.
While the process of grief can be isolating, remember that you don't have to navigate it alone. Talk to family and friends who understand your loss. Consider joining a support group for those who have lost siblings. Or reach out to a mental health specialist if your grief feels overwhelming or prolonged.
Your grief is valid, your pain is real and healing is possible. As you work through the loss of your sibling, know you will always carry their memory with you. Healing doesn't mean moving on; it means moving forward and learning to live in a way that honors their life as you remember them.
