Grief doesn’t only apply to those who experience the death of a family member, friend or co-worker. Fertility concerns, pregnancy loss, adoption loss or complications with obtaining a child can also result in grief. Those grappling with these experiences grieve the loss of dreams, goals and expectations.
Barriers to growing a family
Those who face fertility issues may believe their difficulties are unique. Barriers are more common than are often recognized.
1 in 8 couples are affected by fertility challenges in the United States
About 6.7 million Americans experience difficulty conceiving each year
15%-20% of reported pregnancies end in miscarriage
About 21,000 stillbirths occur in the U.S. annually
About 1 in 1,000 pregnancies is a molar pregnancy
1 in 50 pregnancies is an ectopic pregnancy
About 12% of people trying for a child after their first have trouble conceiving
Because the topic of infertility, miscarriages and loss is stigmatized, we don’t know when there may be others facing similar challenges. While each couple’s journey is an individual and unique experience, grief is universal.
Common factors that can impact fertility
Fertility can be influenced by various biological and environmental components. Here are some common factors that can impact fertility:
Age
Women’s fertility significantly declines after age 35
Men’s fertility also decreases with age, though typically later than in women
Hormonal imbalances
Irregular menstrual cycles, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and thyroid disorders can affect ovulation
Low testosterone levels can impact sperm production in men
Weight
Both underweight and overweight conditions can affect hormonal balance and ovulation
In men, obesity can lead to lower sperm quality and quantity
Lifestyle factors
Smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and recreational drug use can negatively impact fertility in both men and women
Poor diet and lack of exercise can also affect fertility
Medical conditions
Endometriosis, uterine fibroids and pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) can impair fertility in women
Varicoceles (enlarged veins in the scrotum), infections and testicular issues can affect men’s fertility
Sexually transmitted infections
Chlamydia and gonorrhea can cause damage to the reproductive organs, impacting fertility
Environmental exposures
Pesticide exposure, heavy metals, and other environmental toxins can reduce fertility
Occupational hazards, such as prolonged exposure to heat or radiation, can affect sperm quality
Chronic stress
In women, it can disrupt hormone levels and ovulation in women
In men, stress can affect sperm production and sexual function
Medications and treatments
Certain medications, including chemotherapy and radiation treatments, can impair fertility
Long-term use of anabolic steroids can impact sperm production
Genetic factors
Genetic disorders, such as Klinefelter syndrome in men and Turner syndrome in women, can affect fertility
Family history of reproductive issues can also be a factor
Previous surgeries
Surgeries involving the reproductive organs, such as tubal ligation or vasectomy, can impact fertility
Understanding and addressing these factors can help improve the chances of conception and overall reproductive health. If there are concerns about fertility, consulting a healthcare provider or a fertility specialist is recommended.
Impact of infertility
Infertility and loss can impact not only you but those in your circle, such as a spouse or partner, parents, a child that wants a sibling, well-meaning friends and family or work colleagues. No matter how many people are in your circle, the process can still be terribly isolating because most people don’t understand the mental and physical toll infertility and loss can take on you.
Infertility and loss can impact you due to:
Medical interventions. Endlessly taking medications, supplements and shots that may cause you to be sick, gain weight and mimic the symptoms of pregnancy without any reward at the end.
Time and money. Infertility can incur large expenses. Plus, there is time off work for treatments or surgeries. You may not take vacations so you can save money for treatments or dedicate your life to a schedule of two-week increments from a period to ovulation to the next period.
Emotionally. You may get your hopes up only for infertility or complications to continue. Despite your efforts to be realistic, the repetition of this process can be emotionally difficult and discouraging.
Relationships. Infertility may lead to losing friends who don’t understand what you’re going through. You may also feel you have less in common with them if you’re in different phases of life. Additionally, you may experience pressure from parents, siblings and friends, who are well-intentioned and want to see you with a growing family.
Identity. You may feel a loss of your identity or desired role as your expectations are forced to change over and over from hope to loss. Additionally, you may feel judgement from others when beginning treatments for your struggles in family planning.
Low self-esteem. You may become upset with your body and how you feel and look. Perhaps you wonder if your partner would be better off with someone else who can have children without complications.
Triggers
The grief of loss during infertility can be triggered by a number of things, including questions and statements such as:
“When are you guys going to start having kids?”
“When will you give me grandkids?”
“When will there be a sibling for your little one?”
“You’re not getting any younger; time is running out.”
“Just relax; it will happen in God’s time.”
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
“I wish I had your problem; look, I’m pregnant again.”
“Here, take one of mine; I’ve got too many as it is.”
Triggers also happen when:
It seems like every woman you see is pregnant
Adorable kids seem to be everywhere
You long to hold a baby of your own, but despite your best efforts, your arms are still empty
When you attend baby showers and gender reveal parties for others
You see the ultrasound pictures another mom excitedly shows you
Additionally, it may happen every time you are just a day late for your period and excitedly convince yourself you are feeling pregnancy symptoms, only to face disappointment when menstruation begins.
Disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not acknowledged or validated by society. Examples of disenfranchised grief include:
The loss of a pet
The end of a non-marital relationship
Grief due to infertility or a miscarriage
People experiencing this type of grief may not receive support because their emotions and the significance of their loss are overlooked or minimized by others. This lack of recognition can exacerbate the grieving process, making it more difficult for the individual to cope and heal. Infertility and loss can cause deep sorrow, and the absence of acknowledgement of this pain from others can be exceedingly hurtful.
Some common reactions to grief after loss may include:
Emptiness
Guilt or blame
Shame
Moving in and out of “stages” (such as shock, numbness, depression, anger, bargaining and acceptance)
Difficulty eating and sleeping
Sadness and longing
Complicated grief
Complicated grief, also known as persistent complex bereavement disorder, is a prolonged and intense form of grief that interferes with an individual’s ability to function normally. Unlike typical grief, which gradually diminishes over time, complicated grief persists and can worsen, lasting for months or even years. It’s common for those struggling with obtaining a child to experience complicated grief.
People experiencing complicated grief may feel intense sorrow and pain, have difficulty accepting the loss and struggle with resuming their daily lives.
Symptoms often include:
Persistent yearning
Preoccupation with the loss
Difficulty engaging in activities or relationships
Difficulty regulating emotions
Feelings of guilt
A sense of meaninglessness
Complicated grief requires professional intervention, such as therapy, to help individuals process their emotions and find ways to move forward while honoring their loss.
Learning to heal
There are many ways to move forward and learn to heal. See what works best for you, keeping in mind that this may change depending on your current emotional state and needs. Some of the ways include:
Acknowledging the pregnancy and baby existed
Validate your pain and grief
Reaffirming that the loss is not your or your partner’s fault
Find resources to help talk to family members
Create a memorial to acknowledge the loss, even if it was early
Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you
Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically
Remember that you are not alone
Be gentle with yourself
Talk about your loss and grief when you can
There are various routes of healing; healing is not forgetting
Your journey, successes, losses, and emotions may look different from others, which is OK. You and your feelings are valid. Seek face-to-face support from people who care about you. You can also talk with a therapist to help you learn coping techniques and ways to heal in a safe space.
