While everyone eventually loses their parents, processing the loss is still difficult, no matter the child's age. The death of a parent often means losing a primary support system and connection with childhood. Your emotions can vary wildly depending on your relationship with your parent before they died. Furthermore, as an adult, you have additional responsibilities that must be handled as you grieve.
Common challenges
Responsibilities and grief. Caring for children, working and handling expenses are just some of the many obligations grown children face. A partner, children, family and co-workers may depend on you. Managing these responsibilities while coping with the complicated emotions of grieving a parent can be exhausting.
Pressure to be OK. There is a higher expectation for adults to control their emotions. Societal norms to move on after a workplace bereavement leave adds additional anxiety. You may feel guilty for struggling and want to "keep yourself together" because others depend on you. Grief is complicated and repressing your feelings is not always possible or healthy.
Legal and financial processes. Adult children are often responsible for handling the logistics after a parent dies. You may need to organize the funeral, meet with lawyers about inheritance, finance the funeral and manage other expenses. These responsibilities can be overwhelming and additionally burdensome while grieving, especially if you are inexperienced with legal and financial discussions.
Supporting children. If you have a family and children, you must parent them and offer emotional support as they cope with their grief. Such tasks can take a lot of energy and you may worry about how to console your child as you also grieve. Because children are typically inexperienced with death, they may have questions about death and dying and be concerned about their mortality. They may also fear losing other loved ones.
Visiting with family. Some adults are not in close contact with their siblings, parents or extended family. It can be stressful to interact with estranged family members after losing a parent. You may feel awkward about supporting or receiving support from relatives. Relationships with family might be strengthened or weakened after a loss, which can be challenging.
Questioning mortality. As an older adult, losing a parent can cause you to reflect on your age, health and eventual death. These types of existential thoughts can make you feel anxious or depressed.
Situational differences
Today's families are often non-traditional, and the death of a parent can complicate some relationships.
Losing your first parent vs. losing both parents. The first time you lose a parent can be shocking and you may be inexperienced with loss. At this time, you realize that your relationship with your parents will not always be ongoing. The death of your second parent may provide more insight into the process, but you will still need to cope with losing parental relationships.
Losing a stepparent. Whether or not you are biologically related to a parent doesn't determine the closeness of your relationship or the severity of your grief. Losing a stepparent can be very painful if you are close to them. Grief may be invalidated in some situations because they aren't your "real" parent. On the other hand, you may have lacked a close relationship with your stepparent and feel little grief. Both situations can create guilt about whether you are grieving the "right" amount.
Losing an estranged parent. If you had a difficult relationship with your parent, you may feel relieved after they die. Your lack of sadness may make you feel guilty. Painful memories can resurface. You might be angry, sad or regretful about the problems in your relationship that were never resolved. Additionally, you may feel an unusual amount of grief that can be surprising after time apart.
Health of parent. Losing a parent you believed to be healthy can be shocking. Losing a parent who was sick or getting older may bring relief, especially if you were one of their primary caretakers. You might feel guilty about having these positive feelings.
Your age and dependency. Younger adults are often still gaining independence and receiving guidance from their parents. When young adults lose a parent, they may struggle without this support and be forced into roles of greater responsibility at earlier ages.
Ways to cope
Self-care. Grant yourself grace and understand that grief can make productivity difficult. Ensure you eat nutritious foods, get proper sleep and exercise as possible.
Find support systems. Know that you are never alone, and it's okay to receive support. Reach out to a trusted person who can help you with your responsibilities and listen to you express your emotions. Friends, neighbors, a mental health professional or religious mentor may provide good support. Consider joining a support group for adults who have lost a parent.
Comfort children. You may have grieving children with questions about death. Allow your children to express their feelings and reassure them that the death of their grandparent does not mean that other people will die soon. Avoid using phrases like "passed on" to describe dying or equating sickness with death.
Feel your feelings. Grief is complicated and brings conflicting emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, resentment, relief, etc. Acknowledge your feelings through journaling, therapy or talking with others.
Remember your parent. Finding ways to cherish good memories with your parent can be helpful. Assemble a photo album with pictures or share funny stories about their life.
Forgive, but no need to forget. Even if you and your parent had a complicated relationship, forgiveness allows you to live without holding on to resentment. However, you don't need to forget your parent's hurtful actions. Forgiving yourself during this process is essential to move on from guilt and regret. If forgiving is too difficult, think of another phrase, such as "letting go" of the hurt.
